Somethings are hard to understand…
This year has been one of the best years in my life, and most definitely the worst. It’s weird to have to process and live with the fact that something good and amazing is going on while you have the worst time of your life. And how can you even allow yourself to be happy? But the answer is easy even though it seems quite tough. Answer: you have to! Even though you want to stop the time and just go back you can’t dwell in the past. The recipe to be happy is to deal with what is happening and not stop living. You have to keep going on and maybe be a bit egoistic about it. One thing I have learnt about grieving is that everyone does it differently. When I saw my mother on the hospice I cried for two days. But then it stopped. I remember that I felt like the way I was grieving was wrong, because in some way I acted like nothing was wrong. Sometimes my grandmother would get up from where she was sitting and go directly to me and just look at me as if she was trying to get a reaction out of me. It made me feel like what I was doing was wrong because I just didn’t cry in front of her. My grandmother had tears in her eyes all the time as in contrast to me who had a smile on my face. But of course I wasn’t happy. One of the most important things I have learnt is that when something like this happens you are thrown out into something that you have never experienced before and you just don’t know how to react. You have an idea about how you should react, but it’s most likely not the way you do it. It’s like all your feelings have been lying neatly in a drawer and then all of a sudden someone has made a huge mess in it and you can’t find anything. I have learnt that there is no right or wrong and that you cannot judge people by the way they react. I have also learnt that people most likely doesn’t even notice how you are reacting, because they are too busy thinking with their own reactions. It sounds self-centred but in a time like this it’s somewhat exactly what you have to be. Sometimes I would wake up at night not knowing where I really was. Of course that could be because I had been sleeping at different hotels in different cities every week for three months, but it could also be because of everything going on around me.
After my mum passed away we took her fingerprint and both my sister-in-law and I got a unique necklace with her fingerprint. And I am so happy that this has been made because it will feel like having a piece of her with me all the time. It’s a matter of what you choose to do the day after someone passes away that can change a lot, because you only have a limited. Like for instance we only had a limited time to get my mother’s fingerprint once she would be buried it would be too late. I also helped wash my mum and dress her and give her makeup on when she was dead. She had asked me to help with it and to be honest I didn’t know how I would feel about it. But I am so happy I did it. It was what she wished and it also comforts me that I know it was done properly and that she looked beautiful when the closes family came to say their final goodbyes. And it really is nothing to be afraid of. Some people would not feel comfortable doing it, but I can really only recommend it, because it is very soothing a relieving in some way.
Maybe people feel the same way in these situations as I did or maybe they feel completely different. I believe it’s individual and in some way really personal. It’s fascinating how life can be so fragile and still we are able to heal ourselves without even understanding what is going on.
…and perhaps they should never be understood.
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