Am I brave enough?

Am I strong enough?

To follow the desire

That burns from within

To push away my fear

To stand where I'm afraid

I have a mind that is changing directions all the time. And this year I have changed my mind regarding my future three times. I mean it’s sometimes just such a tough decision and you don’t really want to be making the wrong one, but I guess you just gotta do what you gotta do – no regrets. I went from not wanting to keep studying to wanting to keep studying and my latest decision is that I don’t want to study any further. I’m sick of it and it’s hanging far out of my throat. I think that this time I want a life, but what kind of life is it exactly that I want? I know that. I want to be a seasonal worker and that might not sound like dreams in many people’s eyes, but it is in mine as it will give me the space I need for my own interests as travelling and writing, and I’ll not be held up anywhere specific. This year I’ll be working one month at a fish factory in my home town. It’s my sixth season there and then three and a half month as a site-manager at the company where I did my internship, which I am very excited about as it is in my field of study. So that is four and a half months of work already settled. So how amazing could it be if I could do it like this every year and then just find another or two companies to work for during Winter and Spring? I wouldn’t even need an apartment and when there’s no work I could go travelling. Why should you not follow your dreams when there is nothing holding you back? I’m free as a bird and the world is so big and I want to see it. My plan of going to Australia is still ongoing – I am going next year and it’ll be the craziest thing I have ever done. One thing was to move to Ireland, but Australia is a bit further away.

The only thing that is really stopping people from going anywhere is the way they look upon themselves. They don’t think they are brave enough to do it and it’s a shame because everyone is capable, you just got to jump the gun. I’ve heard it a lot of times it’s brave of you to do this. Especially when I moved to Ireland. So many people told me that they thought it was very brave of me to leave everything for the unknown and that they would never be able to do so. But to me it’s not so much about being brave it is more about what I have to do. Sometimes you just got to close your eyes and walk.

Danmark mit 

fædreland.

Definition of fantasy in English:

NOUN (plural fantasies)

[COUNT NOUN] A fanciful mental image, typically one on which a person often dwells and which reflects their conscious or unconscious wishes.

All my life I have lived in a fantasy; a fantasy about moving to another country. I was dwelling. It’s all I ever wanted because I thought anything could be better than Denmark. And I did. I moved to Ireland and it was great! I loved being in Ireland and I discovered a new person hidden deep inside of me. An independent person. I have never needed people around me so even though I didn’t know anyone I quickly felt home. I felt at home because strangers greeted me in a way they have never done before. I felt at home because when I was walking in the countryside people would wave even though they had no clue who I was.  I loved that going for a walk would always make me smile. I loved Ireland so much that I might even move back one day.

But it also made me realise that I love Denmark. I truly love Denmark and I am deeply proud of being a Dane. Before I wasn’t, I would do anything to escape it; in fact I just wanted to be English. That was my innermost dream! However it is funny how things work out, because I no longer want to be English. I want to be Danish. I don’t even like England anymore. Working in London for a month made me realise that English people have a different morality; one that I don’t like. In fact my love for the Danish nation has become so strong, that I find it hard to believe that there are any greater people out there.

They say that when you go to a foreign country the national feeling towards your own country gets stronger and I agree. I just never thought it would get so strong that I ended up finding it hard to see the good things in people if they are not from Denmark. I never thought I would get so negative towards foreign countries. Not all foreign countries though. I like the Scandinavian Countries and Germany, and the weirdest thing is that I always hated Germany. I also started to like Poland. I met some Poles and it made me realise that Poles and Danes are not that far from each other. Once I would judge Poles for stealing our bicycles (including mine), but now I want to go there. I want to get to know Poland.

I used to dislike Romanians because they would come here and steal our jobs. But I’ve come to know them because I have worked with a lot of them and they are really nice people. And I don’t judge them anymore; they come here in search of something better, just like we leave in search of something better.

It’s like my world has been turned upside-down. Everything I used to love and want has become something I could never dream of and all that I used to hate is now something I desire.

However I still enjoy going on vacation in foreign countries even though they are not like Denmark. I like expanding my horizon and maybe that is why I’ve learnt that Denmark is a goddamn good country. Sometimes you just need to see something else to realise what you’ve got. So maybe sometimes we should let go of our fantasies and instead open our eyes to what has been in front of us all the time.

Somethings are hard to understand…

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This year has been one of the best years in my life, and most definitely the worst. It’s weird to have to process and live with the fact that something good and amazing is going on while you have the worst time of your life. And how can you even allow yourself to be happy? But the answer is easy even though it seems quite tough. Answer: you have to! Even though you want to stop the time and just go back you can’t dwell in the past. The recipe to be happy is to deal with what is happening and not stop living. You have to keep going on and maybe be a bit egoistic about it. One thing I have learnt about grieving is that everyone does it differently. When I saw my mother on the hospice I cried for two days. But then it stopped.  I remember that I felt like the way I was grieving was wrong, because in some way I acted like nothing was wrong. Sometimes my grandmother would get up from where she was sitting and go directly to me and just look at me as if she was trying to get a reaction out of me. It made me feel like what I was doing was wrong because I just didn’t cry in front of her. My grandmother had tears in her eyes all the time as in contrast to me who had a smile on my face. But of course I wasn’t happy. One of the most important things I have learnt is that when something like this happens you are thrown out into something that you have never experienced before and you just don’t know how to react. You have an idea about how you should react, but it’s most likely not the way you do it. It’s like all your feelings have been lying neatly in a drawer and then all of a sudden someone has made a huge mess in it and you can’t find anything. I have learnt that there is no right or wrong and that you cannot judge people by the way they react. I have also learnt that people most likely doesn’t even notice how you are reacting, because they are too busy thinking with their own reactions. It sounds self-centred but in a time like this it’s somewhat exactly what you have to be. Sometimes I would wake up at night not knowing where I really was. Of course that could be because I had been sleeping at different hotels in different cities every week for three months, but it could also be because of everything going on around me.

After my mum passed away we took her fingerprint and both my sister-in-law and I got a unique necklace with her fingerprint. And I am so happy that this has been made because it will feel like having a piece of her with me all the time. It’s a matter of what you choose to do the day after someone passes away that can change a lot, because you only have a limited. Like for instance we only had a limited time to get my mother’s fingerprint once she would be buried it would be too late. I also helped wash my mum and dress her and give her makeup on when she was dead. She had asked me to help with it and to be honest I didn’t know how I would feel about it. But I am so happy I did it. It was what she wished and it also comforts me that I know it was done properly and that she looked beautiful when the closes family came to say their final goodbyes. And it really is nothing to be afraid of.  Some people would not feel comfortable doing it, but I can really only recommend it, because it is very soothing a relieving in some way.

Maybe people feel the same way in these situations as I did or maybe they feel completely different. I believe it’s individual and in some way really personal. It’s fascinating how life can be so fragile and still we are able to heal ourselves without even understanding what is going on.

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…and perhaps they should never be understood.