Here it comes, the moment when

You know you’ll never be the same again

Power chord, see the light

You found your place in the world tonight

I started this blog when I was moving to Ireland back in October 2013. I started studying Service, Hospitality and Tourism Management in September 2013 as on online student. The reason for me choosing to be an online student was because I wanted to move to Ireland. And because I was still a Danish student I could take my student grants with me to Ireland – and that is what I did. All this I have already wrote about on the blog so I am not going to go over it again. However what I want to say is I DID IT! I graduated yesterday and can now call myself an AP graduate in Service, Hospitality and Tourism Management. The last few months have been tough and I was so sure that I was going to fail. I even contacted the school about what I was going to do in case that would have been the outcome and I had actually already accepted the fact that I was going to be an uneducated woman for the rest of my life. I say the rest of myself, because I cannot face anymore studying. But it didn’t quite turn out that way and instead I am going to be an educated woman for the rest of my life.

The feeling I can’t quite describe, but it feels nice to know for sure that a new chapter has finally started. I have been waiting for this for so long and maybe that was the reason that I in the end just didn’t believe in myself. I was so close to the finish line when I lost all hope and just wanted to drop out. But as it is right now I am so happy that I didn’t just give up, because the outcome was way better than I could have ever expected. And I think what I should have learnt from this is to keep believing in myself and don’t give up. Giving up is way too exhausting, I think it would only have been a matter of time before I would have broken down.

But a burden has been lifted off my shoulders and I know now that things can only get better from now on, because now I can finally start working on getting a proper life. Being on student grants is not funny and it sets limits where you wouldn’t want to have any. But hopefully now I can expand my limits and I can continue dreaming about going to Australia next year and maybe even go through with it. The only thing that I want badly right now is to look for jobs and send out applications, but I can’t because I already have a contract for a few months, which I am also really excited about. Job hunting will have to wait till the end of the year!!

In May I started as an event volunteer at headspace Denmark in Aalborg, where I will help built up an event team and I am really excited about it. We have had a few meetings so far, but unfortunately I have been working most of June and am busy for the next few months, so I will not be able to participate as much as I want to. But I am really excited to volunteer for a course like headspace, because I think the concept is so great and needed among the younger people.

This Wednesday I participated in my first official run, Alt for Damernes Løb 2015. I signed up for it in March when I was running regularly and thought that it would be good motivation to keep running. And my motivation was on track until the middle of April where I was going to cycle 110 KM with my friend. Unfortunately we had a bit of miscommunication on the trip and ended up crashing. I hurt my shoulder really bad and it has actually taken around three to four weeks to get over it completely. And then I got a tattoo so I had to put running off for a week as well. So when I participated in the 10 KM run I had only been out twice in a month. But everything was great as I even beat my old 10K record. It was a lot of fun and it’s definitely not the last time I am participating in anything like that.

So many things have been going on and on Saturday I am going on a runaway vacation with some friends for two weeks and I am really looking forward to it. I have so many things at the moment to look forward to that it is hard not to smile when you think about it. And especially now that my final exam is no longer blocking my view!

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I'm not scared

Cause I know there's something out there waiting for me

And I swear that I'll find it someday, just wait and see

I don't care that you call me crazy

I can't stay cause I need room to breathe

There's nothing left to say, better sorry than safe

We live in a world where we are constantly told what to do. Our families have some expectations that they expect us to live up to. We need an education and a job and a part from that they might expect us to start thinking about getting a family of our own. And if we choose not to we are told that it’s time that we grow up. I think it’s not about me not being grown up. In fact I think I am more grown up than a lot of people. I’m not scared of doing things on my own and it doesn’t matter if that means moving to the other side of the world. I’ll take the challenge. Tell me when you have grown enough to leave your comfort zone?

The kind of reaction I’ve had lately when I’ve realised how old I am is: Twenty-four is fucking young! And my standard question when people tell me that I am getting too old for this is: I’m not getting any younger. And that is fucking true! So if not now, when? Should we really settle for never? I think there are three kinds of people: The ones who jumps, the ones who just needs a little push and the ones who doesn’t even make it to the edge. And I belong to the one that jumps, because for me life’s too boring and depressed if I don’t. However we are not programmed to reach happiness in the same kind of ways. But everyone should do what they think they will regret if they don’t and no one should just settle with something because it’s easier or because it’s what is expected of you.

I’m sick of listening to people’s thoughts on how I should live my life. We don’t enjoy the same things so it’s pretty obvious that we don’t want the same things out of life. I don’t dream about buying a house and settling down to start a family. In fact what I want out of life at the moment is quite the opposite. I don’t want to be tied down with a mortgage and a house in a city that I don’t even want to live in with kids that I don’t even want and with a car that I can’t afford. So the question is: why should I strive towards that? It’s pretty easy to see why my family might think this is the right reason, they don’t know anything else. They’ve never had a different life and maybe not even the desire to want anything else. And maybe they just don’t understand why I don’t want the same things as they wanted when they were my age, because it was what made them happy.

I see a lot of people my age tied down with a family and a house and I think it’s great they are living their dreams, but a part of me think it’s a shame that they didn’t just take a year out to see something before they got tied down to charter holidays by the pool with screaming kids. But maybe that is me not understanding them.

I’ve said it before and I am going to say it again. I am restless and I can’t help it. But I’m just a person who needs to get out there and discover something new. I love to have a permanent place to stay, but I just don’t like being there for too long. Recently I decided to postpone my move to Australia and booked at three-week surf camp in Bali instead. I am going on December 26^th which means that I will be there for New Year’s Eve and I am already pretty-fucking-over-the-moon-excited about it. And of course I am flying solo! 

Am I brave enough?

Am I strong enough?

To follow the desire

That burns from within

To push away my fear

To stand where I'm afraid

I have a mind that is changing directions all the time. And this year I have changed my mind regarding my future three times. I mean it’s sometimes just such a tough decision and you don’t really want to be making the wrong one, but I guess you just gotta do what you gotta do – no regrets. I went from not wanting to keep studying to wanting to keep studying and my latest decision is that I don’t want to study any further. I’m sick of it and it’s hanging far out of my throat. I think that this time I want a life, but what kind of life is it exactly that I want? I know that. I want to be a seasonal worker and that might not sound like dreams in many people’s eyes, but it is in mine as it will give me the space I need for my own interests as travelling and writing, and I’ll not be held up anywhere specific. This year I’ll be working one month at a fish factory in my home town. It’s my sixth season there and then three and a half month as a site-manager at the company where I did my internship, which I am very excited about as it is in my field of study. So that is four and a half months of work already settled. So how amazing could it be if I could do it like this every year and then just find another or two companies to work for during Winter and Spring? I wouldn’t even need an apartment and when there’s no work I could go travelling. Why should you not follow your dreams when there is nothing holding you back? I’m free as a bird and the world is so big and I want to see it. My plan of going to Australia is still ongoing – I am going next year and it’ll be the craziest thing I have ever done. One thing was to move to Ireland, but Australia is a bit further away.

The only thing that is really stopping people from going anywhere is the way they look upon themselves. They don’t think they are brave enough to do it and it’s a shame because everyone is capable, you just got to jump the gun. I’ve heard it a lot of times it’s brave of you to do this. Especially when I moved to Ireland. So many people told me that they thought it was very brave of me to leave everything for the unknown and that they would never be able to do so. But to me it’s not so much about being brave it is more about what I have to do. Sometimes you just got to close your eyes and walk.

Recently I went to an info meeting with EDU about studying in another country. I have had a troubled mind about whether to study abroad or to just study online. The education in itself is the same; however the amount of money is the big difference. Studying abroad is expensive as hell and it will result in taking a loan while studying online will be loan-free. I went to the info meeting to get a clearer picture of what I want to do when I am going to Australia. I had been playing with the thought of studying at an Australian University a bit and the thought of it seemed fun. The fact that you would be able to make friendships easier because you’d be thrown together with people from day one was quite attractive to me. I tried moving to Ireland on my own and I tried to develop friendships there. It was very superficial and it wasn’t until I had to return to Denmark that I felt I was finally moving forward. I am great at being by myself but you see so much more with people around you. However I didn’t really feel foreign in Ireland because even though the friendships where superficial I felt welcome.

The info meeting cleared my mind quite a lot about whether to go for the university life or the online life. At the meeting I learnt the difference between me and other people. When asked why people wanted to study abroad most people said something like:

“I want to experience a new way of being educated”

“I want to study at another university”

“I have heard great things about universities”

“My first priority is a great university”

University, university, university… I could care less about universities and that is the difference and that is what made me realise that spending hell loads of money on a university that I don’t even care about will be downright stupid. It shocked me how few mentioned the fact that they wanted to experience another culture as their first priority. Instead it seemed like something that would just be a bonus side-effect to studying at a foreign university. The person responsible for the meeting also said something about a Buddy-Programme universities offers to foreigners. It’s a program where the foreigner will be assigned to a local who will show the person around. But it shocked me when she mentioned that it was a great idea because you got to see where the locals go. It had me thinking that if you are not assigned that programme if studying abroad then you will not get to see the local places and meet the locals. And that is one of the problems I always have with foreigners. They tend to stick to other foreigners and for me it just seems like a lot of waste to go to another country if you just hang out with foreigners. I would hate to go to Australia and just befriend other Scandinavians. If I want to talk to Danish people I can just stay in Denmark. The foreigners in Denmark are just the same. They live together and do everything together. They don’t even try to integrate. They go to museums and do other tourist-like stuff where I am different. I want to come back from a trip and tell people about a stupid tree I saw in a stupid forest where no one was around.

Studying at universities I realised that you will be put together with other foreigners and based on that and other things I made up my mind; and that is to stay away from universities and hopefully stay away from foreigners. I am going to study online and start from scratch just the way I did when I moved to Mullingar. It’s always easy to take the easy way out, but I just don’t think it will give me the satisfaction I want from another country and culture. So I am going to take the tough and lonely path again and hopefully get something beautiful out of it. It’s so much more challenging and satisfying when you make it work all by yourself. 

Experience, expand, explore

Winter is at its end, if it did not already end, and spring is definitely on its way, even though it can be hard to feel the vibes from time to time with this ever changing state of weather. These last couple of weeks has reminded me so much of my time in Ireland. I remember that in Ireland the weather would be sunny one minute and then pissing down another and that is exactly how it has been in Denmark for quite some time now. 

However with spring being on its way and the sun peeking out from time to time I am in a serious search of finding outdoor activities that I will enjoy. I recently began running again; it started as I also made my final decision to lose those extra few pounds that I have somehow collected over the years (if not now then when?!). I’m debating on whether to start saving money for a pair of roller skies and make it a goal to participate in Vasaloppet within the next few years or whether to save enough for a mountain bike? If only we could have it all. But for the moment I am pretty broke so instead I have started bathing with my best friend in the fjord just outside of my flat. It’s free and freezing cold – something that makes your adrenaline pump. Today we had our first swim of the year in the fjord with a water temperature of 5 degrees Celsius. We are already looking forward to next week’s swim with the Limfjord Bathers (that’s what I have named us) as we know the water will only get warmer from now on. We did the same a few years ago and I can only recommend it if you need something to do. It’s cool and refreshing but mostly it is very funny and gives you something to talk about. 

Apart from trying to find outdoor activities I have also begun researching my opportunities regarding studying in Australia. I am finishing my AP degree in service management in just a few months and I think I have finally come to the decision of taking the top-up in Sports management and then get a professional bachelor’s degree instead. I am sick of studying and I have never liked it one bit. To be honest I would rather just work and my motivation to learn comes through working not studying, but still there is always something that just holds me back either from finishing or just from taking one more step further down the road. And recently I have begun to think that maybe I am slightly afraid of starting a new chapter in my life. Studying is easy and relaxing and yet so stressful at the same time – and I hate it!

I want to get experience, expand my limits and explore the world and I am afraid that if I get a permanent job it will be the end of my dreams and if we don’t have our dreams what exactly have we got?

New year, new start & new adventures.

So my love for Denmark lasted for a few months. And I have once again begun looking for new places to go to satisfy my needs and desires. And I already set Australia as my new goal. I want to move to Sydney.  I have realised that being stuck at the same place for long is freaking me out. I guess some people call it wanderlust; I just call it freaking out. I'm a restless person and I realise that shaping my life to fit my needs is a bit difficult to master, but still it is what I need to do and  I will not stop before I find a way to balance everything. I guess stopping is the only thing that can keep you from your dreams.  

Luckily I have already made a few plans for what is going to happen in 2015. First of all I’m going to Jönköping, Sweden, for a week around Easter with my family. Apart from that I have for a month or so been planning a road trip with a few of my friends in the summer. And our plans are finally being to shape as we have just rented a RV, which will be the first time for me to go on vacation in one of those, let alone drive one. We have rented it for two weeks and we are going to start in Germany and then make our way through The Netherlands, Belgium and to France, where we will be watching Tour de France one of the days. Then we will move on to Luxemburg and then back to Germany and then we will probably head back to Denmark. The route is not final and I believe we will take is as we go and stop to sleep at Stellplatzer.

The day we get back from our road trip I am heading for another vacation with my family on a Danish island called Ærø. We have rented a cottage, which we have rented twice before when I was a kid, so it’s going to be good to get back there and see how things look. And if they look like I remember.

For August, September, October and half of November I will be working like I did last year in Sweden, Denmark and Scotland. And apart from all of that I finish my AP degree in July, so I guess there are loads of things to look forward to in 2015 and it will most likely be a busy year. I am just stoked that something is happening, and there’s still place to get a few extra things in.

A recap of last year’s destinations:

Ireland, Czech Republic, Germany (Lübeck, Schwerin), Sweden (Malmö, Gothenburg, Karlstad, Stockholm), UK (London, Birmingham, Manchester x2, Edinburgh), Morocco (Marrakech)

I've also got another way to enter this blog by www.apriliabrun.com

Danmark mit 

fædreland.

Definition of fantasy in English:

NOUN (plural fantasies)

[COUNT NOUN] A fanciful mental image, typically one on which a person often dwells and which reflects their conscious or unconscious wishes.

All my life I have lived in a fantasy; a fantasy about moving to another country. I was dwelling. It’s all I ever wanted because I thought anything could be better than Denmark. And I did. I moved to Ireland and it was great! I loved being in Ireland and I discovered a new person hidden deep inside of me. An independent person. I have never needed people around me so even though I didn’t know anyone I quickly felt home. I felt at home because strangers greeted me in a way they have never done before. I felt at home because when I was walking in the countryside people would wave even though they had no clue who I was.  I loved that going for a walk would always make me smile. I loved Ireland so much that I might even move back one day.

But it also made me realise that I love Denmark. I truly love Denmark and I am deeply proud of being a Dane. Before I wasn’t, I would do anything to escape it; in fact I just wanted to be English. That was my innermost dream! However it is funny how things work out, because I no longer want to be English. I want to be Danish. I don’t even like England anymore. Working in London for a month made me realise that English people have a different morality; one that I don’t like. In fact my love for the Danish nation has become so strong, that I find it hard to believe that there are any greater people out there.

They say that when you go to a foreign country the national feeling towards your own country gets stronger and I agree. I just never thought it would get so strong that I ended up finding it hard to see the good things in people if they are not from Denmark. I never thought I would get so negative towards foreign countries. Not all foreign countries though. I like the Scandinavian Countries and Germany, and the weirdest thing is that I always hated Germany. I also started to like Poland. I met some Poles and it made me realise that Poles and Danes are not that far from each other. Once I would judge Poles for stealing our bicycles (including mine), but now I want to go there. I want to get to know Poland.

I used to dislike Romanians because they would come here and steal our jobs. But I’ve come to know them because I have worked with a lot of them and they are really nice people. And I don’t judge them anymore; they come here in search of something better, just like we leave in search of something better.

It’s like my world has been turned upside-down. Everything I used to love and want has become something I could never dream of and all that I used to hate is now something I desire.

However I still enjoy going on vacation in foreign countries even though they are not like Denmark. I like expanding my horizon and maybe that is why I’ve learnt that Denmark is a goddamn good country. Sometimes you just need to see something else to realise what you’ve got. So maybe sometimes we should let go of our fantasies and instead open our eyes to what has been in front of us all the time.

Somethings are hard to understand…

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This year has been one of the best years in my life, and most definitely the worst. It’s weird to have to process and live with the fact that something good and amazing is going on while you have the worst time of your life. And how can you even allow yourself to be happy? But the answer is easy even though it seems quite tough. Answer: you have to! Even though you want to stop the time and just go back you can’t dwell in the past. The recipe to be happy is to deal with what is happening and not stop living. You have to keep going on and maybe be a bit egoistic about it. One thing I have learnt about grieving is that everyone does it differently. When I saw my mother on the hospice I cried for two days. But then it stopped.  I remember that I felt like the way I was grieving was wrong, because in some way I acted like nothing was wrong. Sometimes my grandmother would get up from where she was sitting and go directly to me and just look at me as if she was trying to get a reaction out of me. It made me feel like what I was doing was wrong because I just didn’t cry in front of her. My grandmother had tears in her eyes all the time as in contrast to me who had a smile on my face. But of course I wasn’t happy. One of the most important things I have learnt is that when something like this happens you are thrown out into something that you have never experienced before and you just don’t know how to react. You have an idea about how you should react, but it’s most likely not the way you do it. It’s like all your feelings have been lying neatly in a drawer and then all of a sudden someone has made a huge mess in it and you can’t find anything. I have learnt that there is no right or wrong and that you cannot judge people by the way they react. I have also learnt that people most likely doesn’t even notice how you are reacting, because they are too busy thinking with their own reactions. It sounds self-centred but in a time like this it’s somewhat exactly what you have to be. Sometimes I would wake up at night not knowing where I really was. Of course that could be because I had been sleeping at different hotels in different cities every week for three months, but it could also be because of everything going on around me.

After my mum passed away we took her fingerprint and both my sister-in-law and I got a unique necklace with her fingerprint. And I am so happy that this has been made because it will feel like having a piece of her with me all the time. It’s a matter of what you choose to do the day after someone passes away that can change a lot, because you only have a limited. Like for instance we only had a limited time to get my mother’s fingerprint once she would be buried it would be too late. I also helped wash my mum and dress her and give her makeup on when she was dead. She had asked me to help with it and to be honest I didn’t know how I would feel about it. But I am so happy I did it. It was what she wished and it also comforts me that I know it was done properly and that she looked beautiful when the closes family came to say their final goodbyes. And it really is nothing to be afraid of.  Some people would not feel comfortable doing it, but I can really only recommend it, because it is very soothing a relieving in some way.

Maybe people feel the same way in these situations as I did or maybe they feel completely different. I believe it’s individual and in some way really personal. It’s fascinating how life can be so fragile and still we are able to heal ourselves without even understanding what is going on.

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…and perhaps they should never be understood.

When everything falls apart…

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What better way to end a year with a recap of what has happened in the last twelve months. However sometimes a recap is not really what we want because it reminds us of painful things. 2014 started better than any year could have. The previous year I had finally decided on following my dreams and goals (some of them) and it had led me to a nice but cold one bedroom flat in Ireland. I was home for Christmas where my grandparents on my mother’s side came to my parent’s house to celebrate Christmas with us. What we didn’t know back then was that it would be the last year we would all be able to celebrate Christmas together. We did not know about the tragedy lying ahead of us. For New Year’s Eve me, my brother and his wife went to my parent’s house to spend the last day of 2013 together and celebrate the beginning of a new year together as well. A new year that would end totally different from how it started.

In May my mother began to feel different. She got dizzy and her sight was sometimes slurry. She went to the doctor for a check where they discovered some disturbing news. She was diagnosed with cancer and it was spread all over her body like Nutella on a piece of bread. I don’t think I have ever believed in people when they say their knees goes weak. But I discovered it the day my father told me it was cancer. I don’t think I felt my legs at all and somehow everything around me became distant. I was at work when he told me (sometimes I work at the same place as my parents) and I don’t know how I continued through the day. Whenever I thought about it I would burst into tears and when I would be lying in my bed I wouldn’t fall asleep without crying. However things got better as I got used to the thought and when I started having a bit of hope. I went with my mother to radiation treatment and I was taught about the whole process. She had radiation treatment four times, which caused her to lose her hair. But it was just hair, right?

In between the whole thing I had to find a place to do my internship which had to start in August. I was lucky to find a spot in a company that travelled around in Europe. Both my parents knew that this was what I wanted and my mother was so happy because she thought the opportunity was so great and I think she already had visions about me working. I told them that I wouldn’t go if she would have less than three months left, where they assured me she had more than three months left. Maybe she would even live for years – no one could say anything for sure. They told me that they wanted me to go and in some way I think my mother was much more excited about this internship than I was; so off I went.

After a few weeks my dad called me while I was in Stockholm and told me to come home as soon as possible because my mother had been hospitalised and that he was afraid that she wouldn’t have much time left. At that time she had started puking and couldn’t hold anything down. So in the end she had felt so bad that my dad had arranged for her to be hospitalised. A few days after the phone call I came back to Aalborg where my brother picked me up at the airport and took me to the hospital to visit my mother. And to be honest as I am writing this right now I don’t remember how I felt when I saw her or how I felt before I saw her. Maybe in some way I didn’t think her time had come just yet. Of course I cried when I went to bed because a life without my mother was a life that I could never imagine going through. I was only home for a few days before I had to go to Copenhagen and upon my departure my dad told me that I shouldn’t expect to see my mother again. I knew it was tearing at him but I hadn’t expected that statement and especially not because my mother had left the hospital the same day as when I had to leave, because she was feeling much better. I refused to believe it and even though it should be wrong I was so happy to be leaving for Copenhagen.

While I was happy about seeing my mother again being home was miserable. No matter where I went and who I visited they were all affected by my mother’s sickness and it felt like it was everything they could talk about. And to be honest I felt bad enough about not being there for my mother that it made me feel even guiltier listening to everyone talking about how they couldn’t sleep at night, when I was in a new town every week having fun and smiling. It made me want to escape from all of them and just go back to the tour where I could be myself. I hate that I wanted to run away and I hate that what I did was in fact running away when I should probably have been more supportive.

Six weeks later when I was in Manchester my dad called again. This time he told me that my mother had started talking about weird things and seeing things that weren’t there. From when I left for Copenhagen and till he called me in Manchester my mother had been feeling well. But one night everything had changed in just three hours. She had gone from feeling good to being delirious and hardly being able to move in just three hours. When I received that phone call I knew I had to get home and that it had to be quick. I was supposed to take the train to Newcastle where I would be picked up in a car and take the ferry to Amsterdam, where we would drive to Denmark. That was a long trip and even though I knew I had to get home as soon as possible I wanted to go with the rest on the long trip back to Denmark, because the longer I stayed away the longer I could pretend everything was fine back home. I could create my own world where my mother wasn’t sick. However my brother booked me a flight ticket for the next morning and off I went on the longest flight in my life.

My flight was going from Manchester to Amsterdam and Amsterdam to Aalborg. When I was sitting on the plane from Manchester to Amsterdam I had a hard time trying not to cry. It seemed that no matter what I was thinking about it would lead to my mother and at that moment reality had kicked in and I just wanted to get home as quick as possible. In Amsterdam I boarded the next plane and when we were 15 minutes away from landing at Aalborg Airport the plane got cancelled and had to fly back to Amsterdam because of an indication failure. Never have I ever felt the time stand still the way it did back to Amsterdam. I was silently crying while trying to make sure that no one else noticed. When we arrived in Amsterdam I learnt through my brother that I had been booked on a new plane the following morning; I just couldn’t wait till morning. I found the nearest toilet where I locked myself in and just sat there crying till I could contain myself again. I went to the KLM help disk where my brother had instructed me to go and tell them about my situation. His wife had called to KLM and they had assured her that they would get me on a flight the same evening, but I had to explain my situation to the people at the help disk. When I came to the help disk I was not able to say anything. My tears were literally streaming down my face and I was sniffing uncontrollable. All I ever got to tell them was that I had to get home and it had to be the same day. Luckily the woman understood that I had a difficult situation at home and someone actually had to be “kicked off” the plane in order for me to get a seat.

I came home and the day after my mother was transferred to a hospice. It was so good to see her again even though she was not herself at all. She had trouble speaking and she was sleeping most of the time. I was supposed to go to Italy on the 9th of November and all the time I had it in the back of my mind. I kept telling myself that I would see if she got worse and if she didn’t I kept telling people that I would still go to Italy. Even though I was home and I knew how everything was going to end I still wanted to run away. I just wanted to escape and forget everything. However on the 6th of November I knew that no matter what I would never be able to leave her like that. On November the 8th my mother died in the morning. I don’t quite remember how I felt that morning either. I wasn’t crying much, only a little. A part of me was relieved that she had finally got peace.

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… we still have to keep on going

Frodo looked at Sam rather startled, half expecting to see some outward sign of the odd change that seemed to have come over him. it did not sound like the voice of the old Sam Gamgee that he thought he knew. But it looked like the old Sam Gamgee sitting there, except that his face was unusually thoughtful.

‘Do you feel any need to leave the Shire now – now that your wish to see them has come true?’ he asked.

‘Yes, sir- I don’t know how to say it, but after last night I feel different. I seem to see ahead, in a kind of way. I know we are going to take a very long road, into darkness; but I know I can’t turn back. It isn’t to see Elves now, nor dragons, nor mountains, that I want – I don’t rightly know what I want: but I have something to do before the end, and it lies ahead, not in the Shire. I must see it through, sir, if you understand me.’

Almost a year ago, the 22^nd to be exact, I moved to Mullingar in Ireland. I moved to explore new heights and to fulfil a dream that I had had for a long time. The feeling of sleeping my last night in Denmark before my move is still very close to me and it feels like it was yesterday. The excitement and nervousness is something that you will probably never forget, because jumping out from a cliff (at least that is what it felt like) made the adrenaline pump so badly. Also just moving when you don’t know anybody or anything is scary in itself especially when you are in the situation I was in – with no connections to anyone in Ireland. Jump on the plane and see how it goes, that’s the best advice I can give.

Unfortunately I didn’t get to live in Ireland for that long, because of some issues with my student grants. My stay which I was expecting to last for at least two years were cut down to only five months. I chose to leave even though I might have been able to make the money last. But later on it was the right decision that I took, because I would have been forced to move back to Denmark anyway. In June we found out that my mother has cancer, so there was no way that I would have stayed in Ireland and I was extremely happy that I had already moved back home when we found out.

 “I wish it need not have happened in my time” said Frodo. “So do I” said Gandalf “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide”

I also love my new flat a lot and I am really happy about where I live in Denmark at the moment even though I haven’t been able to stay there for long. The thing is that since August I have been travelling around with a company that arranges Oktoberfests around Europe as part of my studies. So far we’ve been five weeks in Sweden, one in Denmark and four in London and one in Birmingham. We still have one week in Manchester and then two weeks in Italy before we finish this tour. And I even got to go to Edinburgh for three nights as well. I enjoy travelling around and doing work like this a lot, and the best thing about the fact that I enjoy it a lot is that this is what I have always wanted to do with my life. So for me I am in a satisfying state of my life since I have realised that I don’t just dream about this kind of work, I also like it very much, which is one step in the right direction. However this job means that you see a lot of hotel rooms, mud, rain and drunk people and you don’t really see anything of the cities you visit, because there’s almost always something to be done. But it’s okay that you don’t get to do any sightseeing because in the end you’re there to work.

This year has had its ups and downs and a lot of adventures, but by far the best thing that happened was William, my nephew who was born in July; just a few days before I had to go on tour!

After the event in Millwall Park, London

Canary Wharf, London

Edinburgh Castle, Scotland

“Hold me fast, Hold me fast

Cause I'm a hopeless wanderer

And hold me fast, Hold me fast

Cause I'm a hopeless wanderer

I will learn, I will learn to love the skies I'm under

The skies I'm under”

This is a story of not so long ago. A telling of an adventure to a country where they have their own language, but no one hardly speaks it anymore. This is a potato eating country that makes a spirit called Poitín out of potatoes. It is also a country that lost half their population in just ten years when their potatoes got a decease known as potato blight. They also lost a part of their country to the British Empire. This country is called the Republic of Ireland.

We look up at the same stars, and see such different things.

It’s weird to think that no matter where you are the sky will always be the same. We all look at the same moon and we look at the same stars, but still we do not see the same things. I love a bit of star gazing and no matter where I am I always look for Charles’ Wain. There is something calm about knowing that no matter where you are you are never far away from the stars.

Ireland, Denmark, it doesn’t really matter, because when you look up at the sky you can be anywhere and everywhere at the same time and maybe that is where our homes should be. Just like Bruno Mars sings in hopes you're on the other side talking to me too. Or am I a fool who sits alone talking to the moon?

I’ve been in Denmark for quite a while now and I am really enjoying it. It’s nice to be close to my family and friends again, but I miss being in Ireland from time to time too. I don’t care my stay didn’t last longer than around six months I would not have gone without it. I think that if people ever get the opportunity to go somewhere they really want to go they should never hesitate, because the things you discover and the things you learn about yourself are worth everything. I’m not saying I went to Ireland to find myself, because I think I know the basic things about myself, even though sometimes it feels like I don’t even know who I am. But I know I am the kind of person who sometimes says things that I shouldn’t say; like that time I used the words ‘big black’ in front of a black person. To my defence I was talking about a big black bin, but the person didn’t know that, because everything I said was in Danish, except ‘big black’ it was in English and I was in London and I did it twice to two different people. More than once I’ve talked about larger people when I’ve been hanging out with large people. It’s really awkward to say: ‘Hey look at that person,’ and then point (in secrecy) at a big person when you’re hanging out with someone the same size as the one you’re pointing at. And don’t judge me now, because I’m sure almost everyone looks when they see someone extra-large, just like we look when we see someone extra skinny. Everyone likes to gossip. If not then I confess my crimes.

I’m the person who gets drunk at bigger family gatherings (the few that we have in my family). And most of the times it feels like I am the only one who gets drunk. Like when I was at my grandmother’s 70^th birthday I was the only one who left with a six-pack when the party ended and then went to another party (and I wasn’t the only young one). I am also almost always the only single person at my table and too be honest it’s not always fun to be surrounded by couples (let’s face it they just don’t want to talk about who’s the hottest guy in Game of Thrones or the 25 most awkward things about being single). Being single also means that people never know where to place me at the tables because everyone else arrives with a partner. And let’s be honest, sometimes being single feels like a burden, when people instead should be thanking me for only having to pay for one ;)

I am a person who never shuts up. All the times I’ve been told to shut up by my friends are countless. And there is nothing worse than when people ask me to shut up. I have countless one-way conversations even with my family and closest friends. They might not notice that I notice when they stop listening to me, but I do and it’s really annoying and it actually makes me angry.

I’m the person who loves to drag conversations out. Start with one topic and then end with a fifth topic. I like to say the opposite of what people are saying just to make them annoyed or angry. I am really sarcastic and most of the times people don’t realise it and they believe that I believe in what I say, but most (some) of the times I actually don’t. And if you ask me I am the funniest person on earth!

Ireland didn’t change me and the person I am, but it changed the way I look at some things. Taking that one massive step all alone has made me a braver version of me. I believe that I have become much more independent and I am now able to push myself the last step up the ladder (unless we are talking about exercising, then I’ll probably need someone to slap me in the arse now and then). But in so many place I have grown. I am not afraid of what is out there (not that I ever was), but I know now that I don’t need anyone to go the extra mile. If there is something I really want I’ll do it and so should everyone else!

However Mullingar Diaries ends here. It might be that I will upload a few times to keep people updated but it won’t be often.

They say in every end, there is also a beginning and I have started my new adventure with an empty pocket but a great view.

The view I've got from my new living room. 

Bye bye for now at least...

"We are half alone, our hearts are leaving home.

Now that we don't belong to anyone at all."

Ygritte once said: “You know nothing, Jon Snow,” and if we all were as honest as Ygritte we would not fool ourselves into believing something that wasn't true. Last time I updated the blog I said that I felt like it was a waste of time just being here waiting to go home. I was deadly wrong when I said those things, because I might have had the nicest few days this week since I came here. J asked me if I would be interested in going to the West coast for a day including a sleepover. She wanted to take me there before I left Ireland and she thought it would be a shame if I left without seeing anything.

Connemara

Everyone has told me that I should go to the West coast and that I should definitely go to Galway, so I had heard much about the west coast but no one really gave me a detailed description of what it was like (well, except from J), so I was very surprised when I saw all the mountains and how remote it actually is.

We left Tuesday morning and went straight for Galway. The day was absolutely beautiful and the sun was shining all day. I had not really expected sunshine, because I have learnt not to expect anything but rain, so it was a nice surprise. We arrived in Galway around midday and the weather was still absolutely beautiful. We parked the car and went down the shopping street. And I have to admit that I really liked Galway. I loved that there were so many young people and so many different musicians all looking for a pit to play there music on the shopping street. The town felt alive and I can definitely see myself going back there one day. I even came to the conclusion that I like Galway better than I like Dublin.

Galway

Galway

After Galway we drove through Uachtar Ard, I saw The Twelve Bens and we had a break in Leenaun, which was a really small village, but it had such a pretty view over Killary Harbour. We stopped a lot of times so I could take pictures and the fact that the sun kept shining was great, because if it had been raining I would have seen nothing but misty mountains. And the only misty mountains I want to see are the Misty Mountains in Middle Earth. We stayed in a holiday home near the beach around Louisburgh, which was great because I actually miss the beach. I didn’t think I would miss the beach since it was probably the place I went the least when I live in Skagen as well as in Frederikshavn. But beaches just have a way of making you feel free, with the exception of “The Beach” from the movie The Beach; it makes you feel trapped instead.

On our way back on Wednesday we stopped for lunch in Westport, drove through Castlebar and went to the Famine Museum in Strokestown, which was a place I really wanted to go to. I was slightly disappointed though, because it was just a lot of reading. We went for a walk in the gardens at the museum and even though the flowers haven’t yet come out I can imagine how pretty it must look during the summer. So if not for the museum you can at least go for the gardens (but only when the flowers are blooming.)

But all in all I am so glad that I got to go on this trip, because it really opened my eyes to how beautiful Ireland is, and now I definitely want to come back. I want to rent a van and just drive all over Ireland.

In Uachtar Ard

I only have two nights left here before I am off to Prague, Germany and then back to Denmark where I have managed to get a flat from the 1^st of May in Nørresundby. Even though I have liked my stay in Mullingar, I think it was always just a stop on my way to find greater things and discover new places. However everything will be put on hold for a few years. I never really felt like I connected with the town properly, and it really doesn’t mean that I didn’t like being here. Making friends has been hard even though I have met a lot of nice people. But it just seems like a town where people are too busy to actually hang out with each other. Everyone is always working or busy doing something else. I think that might be the reason why I loved Galway from the very first minute. We were there around midday on a Tuesday but the town just felt so alive and happy and I kind of got the feeling that you wouldn’t have any trouble meeting people in Galway and I also think that it wouldn’t just be people you would only talk to at the pub, like it is here in Mullingar (at least that’s how it is for me). But I think the worst thing is that ever since the article was in the examiner a lot of people have told me that they agree with me and that it is really hard meeting people in Mullingar, because the Mullingarians (I just made that up) are comfortable with what they already have. But some of the people who have actually told me that have been the worst, and I don’t know if they have just tried to justify their own lack of interest by making it seem like all people in Mullingar share the same views on foreigners. But as I have already said then I have met a lot of nice people here, so luckily not everyone is like that, but sadly most people still seem too busy to actually have a life.

Also a lot of people tell me that my English is very good, but by coming here I have actually learnt that my English is not very good at all. I find it hard to express myself in a way where I put my personality out there at the same time. In Danish I know a lot of words and slang and I know exactly how I am going to say things, but in English I know the English I have been taught at school and I wouldn’t be able to express myself in the same way as I would in Danish. So in that way I actually feel like my personality has been hidden a bit because you only have a limited amount of words. I am afraid that I sometimes come off as quite boring. E.g. it is hard to try and describe something funny in another language as well as to actually be serious sometimes or just sound like you are interested in what people are telling you.

I have been coming to John Daly’s ever since my first week here and it has become the pub I go to when I go out. I like it in there and I don’t really feel that alone when I go there. One thing I have learnt is that a lot of people come to the same pub. Every time I got to John Daly’s I meet the same people in there and I think it’s great, because then I start talking to them again and again and everyone is also always so polite.

But I have actually been thinking about this quite a lot and I think that I want to try to go to a pub on my own in Denmark just to see if it is anything alike and if people are as polite as they are in Ireland. Personally I would think that you would feel quite alone if you went to a bar on your own in Denmark.

The last two times I have been out I have bought food to take with me home (in hope of fixing the upcoming hangover). And holy fucking shit the food from Lingi’s on Dominick Street is (excuse me for my use of words) fucking disgusting. Not only is it disgusting but the people working in there have a stick up their arses. The first time I got Fish & Chips and I have never seen a square fish before. The fish tasted so awful that I had one bite of it (luckily I was not sober when I tasted it). I have never tasted a fish that tasted so much of fish. Maybe it’s because I am used to eating fresh fish or at least just a fish that looks like a fish. The second time I got a chicken sandwich and I was so disappointed when I came home to find out that it was indeed a chicken sandwich. It contained bread and chicken. No dressing, no salad, which I kind of feel like are a part of a sandwich. But the worst thing is that so many people seem to go there when the clubs closes and I have no idea why.

I hope everyone is great and enjoying spring. 

“Just a small town girl

Livin' in a lonely world

She took the midnight train

Goin' anywhere”

The day of my departure is coming closer now. It has always been the decision that I was going back to Denmark on the first of April, but it was never the decision that I was actually moving back on that day too. Now that the decision has been made I actually just want to go home and I want to go home as soon as possible. Right now it just feels like I am just sitting in a waiting room waiting for a train that never seems to come. Much like when you are going on a vacation and the day of the departure never seems to get any closer and no matter how close you get to it, it just feels like time is moving slower and slower every day. No matter how much I like it in Ireland I just want to go back to Denmark right now. I can’t help but feel like it’s a waste of time just sitting here waiting and I feel like it would be a waste of time to go out and meet people that I would probably never meet again anyway. I’d rather just be on the plane back home so I can continue with my life and start looking for flats… and see my family again!

However as of lately I’ve been thinking about things that I am probably going to miss in Ireland. One thing is the range of food in the stores. There’s a larger range on almost everything and I like that as much as I hate it. It makes it much harder to choose but it’s also nice to have something to choose from. I find it difficult to figure out what sugar I should buy, because there are so many to choose from or which kind of flour is normal flour, because I have never seen so many different kinds of flour before. In Denmark I never had to stop up to figured out what kind of flour or sugar I should buy. Here I sometimes stand there looking at it for minutes wondering what kind I should get. It might be that the names just confuse me and that we actually have the same range in Denmark, but I just find it hard to figure out the differences because I only know the Danish names. Also I’ve learnt that there is something called self-raising flour and I definitely have to see if we have that in Denmark because it’s pretty amazing. Denmark is much simpler when it comes to groceries. I will however be glad to come back to a better range of fruit.

I am also looking forward to go back to street names, house numbers and postal numbers. No matter how exciting it has been living at a place no one could find it gets tiring having to explain the directions to delivering companies and taxis. I suppose I only have to do that one more time though and that is when they come for my stuff and my bike. Even though I have only been here for around five months it’s amazing how you somehow manage to get a lot of things and I have more than my suitcases can carry.

I was quite surprised today when I went to a tool shop just a few houses down the road and asked them if they had a cardboard box and tape. The woman in there found both things and I left without having to pay for it and that kind of friendliness I will definitely miss here. In that way I wish the Danish people where a bit more like the Irish people, because something like that just makes your day. I don’t think I have ever walked into a shop in Denmark and left with something without paying for it. Another great story I have from here was a few weeks ago when my mum and dad had sent me something and I was out shopping when a man from FedEx called me and told me he had a package for me. I did not know I was getting anything, but I kind of figured out it could only be from my parents. I told him I would be back in twenty minutes and he asked me what road I would be coming from. So on my way back I met him on the R393 and he stopped up and asked if I was Aprilia. Then he asked me if he should drive me home. So he put my bike in the truck and drove me home and I got my package – so I was (kind of) delivered by FedEx! I would never expect those kinds of things to happen in Denmark.

I have never been out on St. Patrick’s Day before so this year was my first year to actually go out and have a drink on that day. I met up with some people at Danny Byrnes and I actually had a really fun night. Not much happened that day though, but I expect things would have happened in the weekend when people wouldn’t have to get up and go to work next day. I have been told that they supposedly celebrate it better in other countries and I suppose things would be livelier in Dublin and probably Galway too.

A lot of people have told me that I should go to Galway, and I will definitely keep that in mind for the next time I come to Ireland – that will most likely only be on vacation.

In Danny Byrnes on Paddy's Day.

So apart from St. Patrick’s Day and a night out last Friday nothing has really happened. Now I have a weekend ahead of me of packing and sorting out which things I am sending back home with a truck and what I am bringing with me to Prague and Schwerin and after that it is back to living with my parents, once again, until I find my own place where I am going to stay for a few years at least!

“Often I lie wide awake,

Think of things I can make

But I don't seem to have the parts to build them”

It’s been a while since my last update and it’s not because I haven’t had anything to write about I’ve just not really had the time I guess. And this entry probably won’t be as cheerful as the others I have posted. I have unfortunately walked straight into a wall at a time where I didn’t really want to hit a wall and unfortunately for me I wasn’t able to break it. Ever since I came here I have been on a rollercoaster with the Danish government. It seems like in some ways that they don’t really know what to do or then they are just really slow at doing what they are supposed to do, but the thing is that they have lowered my grants from the 1^st of March, the reason is the fact that I moved to another country, and I can no longer afford to live in Ireland anymore. Well I might be able to pull it off, but it’s not really any fun if I can’t afford to be having fun and see things. So after giving it some thoughts I figured the best thing would be to move back to Denmark. I might have the same kind of money in Denmark, seeing as it is more expensive to live there, but I will at least have my family and friends around and I will be able to go to my parents in the weekends to eat dinner when I run low on money (what are parents for if not to help you out when you need it, though my parents have helped me out a lot more than I deserve, and that’s why they are the best and deserve a huge present, which I unfortunately can’t afford, so I will have to keep seeming ungrateful for everything they’ve done).

I never planned to leave Ireland after just six months. I had imagined that I would have been able to stay here for at least a year. But the thing is that things don’t always go the way you expect them to go and it can be the beauty in life as well as the ugly. There are pro’s and con’s about leaving Ireland. I hate the fact that I never got to travel somewhere and see anything, I hate that I only got to be here during the winter months. I would have loved to see everything in the summer and there are so many places in Ireland that I would have wanted to go, but I am glad that I get to be here on Saint Patrick’s Day at least.

On the other hand I am so happy that I get to be in Denmark when my nephew is born and see him almost as much as I want to. You see he will be the first baby in my family since I was born, so it’s a pretty huge thing and I’m glad I won’t be the strange aunt that visit two or three times a year. You see I plan on bonding with him and become his favourite aunt. I want to take him places when he grow up and babysit him (even though I recall my mother saying: “Do you think they will let you babysit?”). I don’t blame her for saying that. I’ve never really held a baby before and I am without doubt the weirdest person in my family (which I don’t mind being, everyone knows that being weird is funnier). It will also be nice to be able to participate in different things again, because I have actually missed out on a few things while being in Ireland.

I’m leaving Ireland on the 1^st of April and I will go straight to Prague where I’ll be meeting up with my brother and sister-in-law and then after two nights in Prague we’ll be driving to Schwerin in Germany where the rest of the Larsen’s will meet us to celebrate the 50^th year of marriage of my grandparents and after a few days in Germany we’ll drive back to Denmark and I will stay there for good (well at least for a few years).

I will be looking forward to go on vacations in Ireland and in time I might even move back here, you never really know, though it won’t be until I have an education and a job. But I will definitely come back to see some of the things I never got the chance to see while living here.

Now to something else. This Sunday I went to see the Spring Concert at the cathedral. I had dinner with J, her friend, her daughter and her daughter’s husband. We had chicken and it was the first time in eight weeks that I ate meat. I wasn’t a vegetarian I just figured I would actually save money if I didn’t buy meat and in the end it was fun to see how long I could go without it. But once you get used to it it’s actually not that hard. But I had a really lovely time and J’s family is really nice and easy to talk to. The concert was good; and even though it’s not what I really listen to when I am at home I think it’s interesting and fun to try something new. Though I must say that the cathedral has the worst benches EVER! (I am somewhat surprised that people go to masses again and again because even if I was religious I’m not sure I would survive weekend after weekend on those benches. Believe it or not, I care about my arse!)

I also never said anything about how I got a piece in the Westmeath Examiner. It all happened when I came back after Christmas in Denmark. A woman contacted me on Facebook and told me she had read my blog and thought it was interesting to see Ireland/Mullingar through a foreigner’s point of view. So she came by The Cottage one day to have a chat with me.  She even told me I could come by the office for a day and see how it was around there and that I could come to court with her too. I haven’t done any of those things though. I was planning on doing it, but now I don’t really think it’ll have the time. Anyway that was how the article happened. I’ve had some great responses on the article and it was quite fun to be the centre-point in an article.

And now to something that has been on my mind since my parents visited me in December. They stayed at Annebrook in Mullingar for two nights and at Davenport in Dublin for one night. Both hotels didn’t have any hot water in the mornings which I find quite weird. It’s rather normal to want to take a shower when you wake up, and I have to admit that it’s the first time I’ve ever heard of hotels that didn’t have hot water in the mornings. If that is just normal here in Ireland I think they should get it fixed, because there is nothing to say about it other than very poor service. I don’t know if we were just unlucky, but it’s just weird if something was wrong at two different hotels in two different cities.

I will now enjoy the last few weeks I have left here and hopefully I’ll be able to see a few things before I leave. However I promise to keep updating my blog as long as I am in Ireland. But when I get back to Denmark it’ll probably be the end of Mullingar Diaries, as it will be hard to write about my time here when I’m no longer here.

Take care x