I'm not scared

Cause I know there's something out there waiting for me

And I swear that I'll find it someday, just wait and see

I don't care that you call me crazy

I can't stay cause I need room to breathe

There's nothing left to say, better sorry than safe

We live in a world where we are constantly told what to do. Our families have some expectations that they expect us to live up to. We need an education and a job and a part from that they might expect us to start thinking about getting a family of our own. And if we choose not to we are told that it’s time that we grow up. I think it’s not about me not being grown up. In fact I think I am more grown up than a lot of people. I’m not scared of doing things on my own and it doesn’t matter if that means moving to the other side of the world. I’ll take the challenge. Tell me when you have grown enough to leave your comfort zone?

The kind of reaction I’ve had lately when I’ve realised how old I am is: Twenty-four is fucking young! And my standard question when people tell me that I am getting too old for this is: I’m not getting any younger. And that is fucking true! So if not now, when? Should we really settle for never? I think there are three kinds of people: The ones who jumps, the ones who just needs a little push and the ones who doesn’t even make it to the edge. And I belong to the one that jumps, because for me life’s too boring and depressed if I don’t. However we are not programmed to reach happiness in the same kind of ways. But everyone should do what they think they will regret if they don’t and no one should just settle with something because it’s easier or because it’s what is expected of you.

I’m sick of listening to people’s thoughts on how I should live my life. We don’t enjoy the same things so it’s pretty obvious that we don’t want the same things out of life. I don’t dream about buying a house and settling down to start a family. In fact what I want out of life at the moment is quite the opposite. I don’t want to be tied down with a mortgage and a house in a city that I don’t even want to live in with kids that I don’t even want and with a car that I can’t afford. So the question is: why should I strive towards that? It’s pretty easy to see why my family might think this is the right reason, they don’t know anything else. They’ve never had a different life and maybe not even the desire to want anything else. And maybe they just don’t understand why I don’t want the same things as they wanted when they were my age, because it was what made them happy.

I see a lot of people my age tied down with a family and a house and I think it’s great they are living their dreams, but a part of me think it’s a shame that they didn’t just take a year out to see something before they got tied down to charter holidays by the pool with screaming kids. But maybe that is me not understanding them.

I’ve said it before and I am going to say it again. I am restless and I can’t help it. But I’m just a person who needs to get out there and discover something new. I love to have a permanent place to stay, but I just don’t like being there for too long. Recently I decided to postpone my move to Australia and booked at three-week surf camp in Bali instead. I am going on December 26^th which means that I will be there for New Year’s Eve and I am already pretty-fucking-over-the-moon-excited about it. And of course I am flying solo! 

Am I brave enough?

Am I strong enough?

To follow the desire

That burns from within

To push away my fear

To stand where I'm afraid

I have a mind that is changing directions all the time. And this year I have changed my mind regarding my future three times. I mean it’s sometimes just such a tough decision and you don’t really want to be making the wrong one, but I guess you just gotta do what you gotta do – no regrets. I went from not wanting to keep studying to wanting to keep studying and my latest decision is that I don’t want to study any further. I’m sick of it and it’s hanging far out of my throat. I think that this time I want a life, but what kind of life is it exactly that I want? I know that. I want to be a seasonal worker and that might not sound like dreams in many people’s eyes, but it is in mine as it will give me the space I need for my own interests as travelling and writing, and I’ll not be held up anywhere specific. This year I’ll be working one month at a fish factory in my home town. It’s my sixth season there and then three and a half month as a site-manager at the company where I did my internship, which I am very excited about as it is in my field of study. So that is four and a half months of work already settled. So how amazing could it be if I could do it like this every year and then just find another or two companies to work for during Winter and Spring? I wouldn’t even need an apartment and when there’s no work I could go travelling. Why should you not follow your dreams when there is nothing holding you back? I’m free as a bird and the world is so big and I want to see it. My plan of going to Australia is still ongoing – I am going next year and it’ll be the craziest thing I have ever done. One thing was to move to Ireland, but Australia is a bit further away.

The only thing that is really stopping people from going anywhere is the way they look upon themselves. They don’t think they are brave enough to do it and it’s a shame because everyone is capable, you just got to jump the gun. I’ve heard it a lot of times it’s brave of you to do this. Especially when I moved to Ireland. So many people told me that they thought it was very brave of me to leave everything for the unknown and that they would never be able to do so. But to me it’s not so much about being brave it is more about what I have to do. Sometimes you just got to close your eyes and walk.

Recently I went to an info meeting with EDU about studying in another country. I have had a troubled mind about whether to study abroad or to just study online. The education in itself is the same; however the amount of money is the big difference. Studying abroad is expensive as hell and it will result in taking a loan while studying online will be loan-free. I went to the info meeting to get a clearer picture of what I want to do when I am going to Australia. I had been playing with the thought of studying at an Australian University a bit and the thought of it seemed fun. The fact that you would be able to make friendships easier because you’d be thrown together with people from day one was quite attractive to me. I tried moving to Ireland on my own and I tried to develop friendships there. It was very superficial and it wasn’t until I had to return to Denmark that I felt I was finally moving forward. I am great at being by myself but you see so much more with people around you. However I didn’t really feel foreign in Ireland because even though the friendships where superficial I felt welcome.

The info meeting cleared my mind quite a lot about whether to go for the university life or the online life. At the meeting I learnt the difference between me and other people. When asked why people wanted to study abroad most people said something like:

“I want to experience a new way of being educated”

“I want to study at another university”

“I have heard great things about universities”

“My first priority is a great university”

University, university, university… I could care less about universities and that is the difference and that is what made me realise that spending hell loads of money on a university that I don’t even care about will be downright stupid. It shocked me how few mentioned the fact that they wanted to experience another culture as their first priority. Instead it seemed like something that would just be a bonus side-effect to studying at a foreign university. The person responsible for the meeting also said something about a Buddy-Programme universities offers to foreigners. It’s a program where the foreigner will be assigned to a local who will show the person around. But it shocked me when she mentioned that it was a great idea because you got to see where the locals go. It had me thinking that if you are not assigned that programme if studying abroad then you will not get to see the local places and meet the locals. And that is one of the problems I always have with foreigners. They tend to stick to other foreigners and for me it just seems like a lot of waste to go to another country if you just hang out with foreigners. I would hate to go to Australia and just befriend other Scandinavians. If I want to talk to Danish people I can just stay in Denmark. The foreigners in Denmark are just the same. They live together and do everything together. They don’t even try to integrate. They go to museums and do other tourist-like stuff where I am different. I want to come back from a trip and tell people about a stupid tree I saw in a stupid forest where no one was around.

Studying at universities I realised that you will be put together with other foreigners and based on that and other things I made up my mind; and that is to stay away from universities and hopefully stay away from foreigners. I am going to study online and start from scratch just the way I did when I moved to Mullingar. It’s always easy to take the easy way out, but I just don’t think it will give me the satisfaction I want from another country and culture. So I am going to take the tough and lonely path again and hopefully get something beautiful out of it. It’s so much more challenging and satisfying when you make it work all by yourself. 

Experience, expand, explore

Winter is at its end, if it did not already end, and spring is definitely on its way, even though it can be hard to feel the vibes from time to time with this ever changing state of weather. These last couple of weeks has reminded me so much of my time in Ireland. I remember that in Ireland the weather would be sunny one minute and then pissing down another and that is exactly how it has been in Denmark for quite some time now. 

However with spring being on its way and the sun peeking out from time to time I am in a serious search of finding outdoor activities that I will enjoy. I recently began running again; it started as I also made my final decision to lose those extra few pounds that I have somehow collected over the years (if not now then when?!). I’m debating on whether to start saving money for a pair of roller skies and make it a goal to participate in Vasaloppet within the next few years or whether to save enough for a mountain bike? If only we could have it all. But for the moment I am pretty broke so instead I have started bathing with my best friend in the fjord just outside of my flat. It’s free and freezing cold – something that makes your adrenaline pump. Today we had our first swim of the year in the fjord with a water temperature of 5 degrees Celsius. We are already looking forward to next week’s swim with the Limfjord Bathers (that’s what I have named us) as we know the water will only get warmer from now on. We did the same a few years ago and I can only recommend it if you need something to do. It’s cool and refreshing but mostly it is very funny and gives you something to talk about. 

Apart from trying to find outdoor activities I have also begun researching my opportunities regarding studying in Australia. I am finishing my AP degree in service management in just a few months and I think I have finally come to the decision of taking the top-up in Sports management and then get a professional bachelor’s degree instead. I am sick of studying and I have never liked it one bit. To be honest I would rather just work and my motivation to learn comes through working not studying, but still there is always something that just holds me back either from finishing or just from taking one more step further down the road. And recently I have begun to think that maybe I am slightly afraid of starting a new chapter in my life. Studying is easy and relaxing and yet so stressful at the same time – and I hate it!

I want to get experience, expand my limits and explore the world and I am afraid that if I get a permanent job it will be the end of my dreams and if we don’t have our dreams what exactly have we got?